Friday, September 10, 2010

Simple capitalism


ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

ARAB CORPORATION
You have two cows. You kill one, rape the other, and blame the failure of the farm on the jews.

A WELSH CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
You wish they were sheep and it was dark.

AN AFRICAN AMERICAN CORPIRATION:
You have two cows
The employees steal the two cows

CANADA
You have 2 cows
Your economy is better and stronger than the United States no matter what.

ANARCHY
You have two cows.

PALESTINE
You have two cows.
Zionists obliterate you and your cows.

L.A. CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You rape them, take pictures, and sell them on the internet.

NIHILISM
you and your cows are gonna die, yo. why have them?

FATALISM
You have 2 cows.
You get hit by lightning.

FRENCH MILITARY
You have 2 cows.
You surrender to them.

DEMOCRACY
You have 2 cows.
You suicide because you think it's too much responsibility to possess such a vast power over part of society known as 2 cows.

LIBERTARIANISM
Stay the fuck away from my cows or I'll blow your goddamn head off. Hey man, have you seen my pot?

REPUBLIC
You own two cows.
You and your neighbors elect the person who looks best on TV and he tells you how to raise them.

FEUDALISM
You own two cows.
You raise them and your lord takes some of the milk.

OBJECTIVE IDEALISM
You have 2 cows.
You suddenly realise their potential as a divine beings.
You cry and fly away with them over the rainbow.

SOVIETISM
You have 2 cows
You make one kill the other to teach the others a lesson.

AMERICAN
You have two cows
They refuse to trade with each other because they're scared that the economy is going to go downhill
Other cows are also scared the economy is going to go downhill
As a result, the cows force the economy to go downhill because they're scared of mindless sheets of paper with presidents and numbers on them are somehow going to turn against them and bankrupt them, because god knows THEY don't control the economy, no sir, and it'd be stupid to actually spend money and trade with each other which is the only way to get out of a mother fucking deficit
Your cows hire a black man to tell them what to do

ISRAEL
You have two cows. America gives you $1 billion to buy designer clothes for one, and to kill the other and blame it on the Arabs.

40 comments:

  1. Hey bro, really interesting read there. Keep up the good posts

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  2. I lol'd pretty hard @

    "NIHILISM
    you and your cows are gonna die, yo. why have them?"

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  3. watch the michael moore doc D:

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  4. Japanese cows ftw! you forgot that they tiny cows then drive normal sized cow mecha and fight off an evil alien invasion.

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  6. i like this, especially the part about canada

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  7. bookmarked , i wanna read this later.
    supportin and showing love now <3

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  8. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  9. haha loved the "AN IRAQI CORPORATION
    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
    You tell them that you have none.
    No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country.
    You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy...." hahahha xD

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  10. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  11. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  12. That's how sh*t goes.

    Funny stuff.

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  13. I have 3 cows that jumped off a cliff. supo

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  16. I just learned something new today

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  18. I honestly fucking laughed hahaha. That was hilarious dude

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  20. Great stuff you got!
    "SOVIETISM
    You have 2 cows
    You make one kill the other to teach the others a lesson."

    Priceless.

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  22. liked your post and agree with some of them
    followed

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  23. cool i really like this!!
    come check out my blog too if you have time :)

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  24. Ha! Probably the best blog post I've read this week. That was fucking awesome!

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  25. I laughed, but it was a sad kind of laugh.

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